duality

in understanding the back and forthness of nature, i recognize that to have one thing happen, it's equal and opposite will most certainly happen as well.
i have a tendency to be the one that picks up the pieces, holds the hand, replants the fallen tree, moves the wreckage from the street, cleans the wounds, makes the appointments, lends the shoulder when no one else in the situation can possibly do it. this is so natural to me. i go into this mode where emotions are put aside and the work is taken care of. everyone is ok. everything is done.
then a few days, months, or even years later, i break. the flood of emotions felt by everyone else at the time of the event becomes real for me and i react accordingly. some would say this is a gift. others would say i am fucked.
it's all i know.
this is what i am doing right now. fly to providence. get the apartment. fly back. take care of the move. deal with the school. get my loan. sell my car. sign my lease. make sure matt is ok. make sure everyone else i know and care about is ok. i am excited. i cannot wait!
then my heart starts to hurt on tuesday. it starts hurting really bad. i start realizing that i am moving away from everything. i am moving away from myself. i may not see some people ever again.
i appreciate everything i have been given and have learned and what has been taken away as well.
with this sadness in leaving what and who i know, a calm is also present that allows me to continue this move without a breakdown...(this will come later i am sure). i feel this sadness to physically leave because i feel a love for what i am leaving. what a great thing!
i am not leaving anyone. i am going somewhere else.
my father likened me to an arrow leaving the bow. the arrow has been fashioned with care and precision, understanding the day will come when it will be gone. if the arrow is never used in fear of loss, what is the purpose of the dedication? the moment of the release from the bow allows the appreciation to grow in a second degree. now the arrow is making its way to its destination following the path laid out before it.
i am dead. i am alive.