been reading Sartre

should i be reading this right now? probably. helps with the ups and downs.
some things have stuck out to me and seem to be some ideas i can relate to right now...


desire involves recognition of the lack of something, as does intentional action, for you can try to bring about a change in the world only if you believe that what you intend is not already the case.
the mental power of negation is, the, the same thing as freedom - both freedom of mind (to imagine possibilities) and freedom of action (to try to actualize them).
to be a conscious being is to be continually faced with choices about what to believe and what to do.

to be conscious is to be free.


sartre maintains that if i am sad, it is only because i choose to make myself sad.
emotions are not just moods that "come over us" but ways in which we apprehend the world.
so we ARE responsible for our emotions; they are ways in which we choose to react to the world.

sartre uses the word "anguish" to describe the consciousness of one's own freedom.
anguish is not fear of an external object but the awareness of the ultimate unpredictability of one's own behavior.

anguish, the consciousness of our freedom, is painful, and we typically try to avoid it.

"bad faith" or "self-deception" is the attempt to escape anguish by thinking that one's attitudes and actions are determined by one's situation, one's character, one's relationship to others, or one's social role - by anything other than one's own choices.

"good faith" or "sincerity" creates a problem as well. for as soon as one describes oneself in some way "I AM ....", in that very act a distinction is involved between the self doing the describing and the self described.


so, the ideal of complete sincerity seems doomed to failure, for we can never be mere objects to be observed and described: the attempt to achieve sincerity thus becomes another form of bad faith.

he also says that the relationship between any two consciouse beings is necessarily one of coflict in that each must want to "possess" the other, to make the other into a mere object.

genuine respect for the freedom of others, nonpossessive love,
is an impossible ideal.

this seems to be a little disheartening and contradictory.
cannot some choose NOT to aspire to become an object?
if "good faith" is a kind of "bad faith", how is any kind of authenticity possible?

interesting ideas and something to ponder.
can't say, though, that i have not felt or thought these things before.
certain relationships have induced such thought...


so, i am uplifting myself here in the northeast. for sure...

reminiscing

my father said something to me today that i wanted to repeat.

i encourage you to explore and try new things. the danger we all
face in life is failure to change appropriately because our
'religious' mind set refuses to waver. fundamentalism of any type
turns deadly and consumes it's adherents. it's like a living ogre,
offering the path to truth, or a plate of fudge brownies, but upon
entering its house, we become the food.


i do so appreciate his analogies. i see where i get it for sure.
this is a very weird thing to be in another "place".
seeing different people and going to different places.

last night the discussions went from dirty jokes to political ideals.
it is sooooooooo refreshing to sit with people that have thoughts and are wanting to talk about these thoughts. to be able to comment on what we are doing as well as what is happening around the world.
there were no fingers being pointed last night. instead there was a conversation of questioning. what do we do about it?
where is the problem and where is the answer?
do we know what the problem really is?
if we don't, how can we find a solution?
where do we stand in all of this?
what does it mean to be a white american in all of this??

this was not a reiteration of the news or pulpit to show off knowledge of present day/ past events.
this was a picnic table with people thinking outloud and listening.
questioning.
that's the key.

asking questions of ourselves and each other.
constantly re-evalutating the scene because it is constantly changing.

how can we make things ok and maybe even better for ourselves as well as others.

good times.

i do miss my memphis friends deeply.
i miss the porch swing with bet for sure.
the crazy "convos" with candace.
the hugs from maggie.
the advice from beka (and her fat cats).
the help with my wardrobe from dale and kristin.
the smart ass comments that are right on from brian.
the smile from sarah canale.
the free spirit from morgan.
the beers from boscoes!
the sweetness and best hugs from ryan.
the love i felt from the real people i know.

i am glad to have had the opportunity to be where i am from.

a day in the life

i really have met such great people already.
i just came back from a cookout down the street. these guys are great.



i had a scare today, though.
this is not the first time this has happened but it is the worst so far.
i lost feeling in my body and could not move my hands or legs.
i pulled myself from the floor to the couch and passed out.

i would wake up with serious heart palpitations and the feeling of sinking down and out of my body. i couldn't move and my heart was hurting.

i slept all day, it seems, and when i woke up i went to the kitchen and all i wanted was an apple and some water.
i sat on the floor and drank and ate for awhile.
i slowly came to the rest of the day and was able to go to the cookout, but this was aweful.
i had no control and lost the use of my body for awhile.

i am trying to figure all of this out.
dad and josh both said water and protein first thing.
i agree.
this lack of vital nutrition is going to kill me.
the heat is not as hot as memphis, but it is not as humid. some would say that is good, but the dehydration level is more severe it seems.
i have been drinking much more water here it seems, but obviously not enough.

anyway, this was pretty scary. my whole day was just gone.
i felt like i was slipping away from my body.
it really scared me. i cannot describe what was occuring.
total malfunction.

so, we work on this right now.
we shall see.

meeting people

my conversations tonight were amazing.

as well as my talk with moira this morning on the way back from the hudson st. market to our houses.
it's always nice to talk disease and devastation at 9 in the morning.
it's hard to find someone that will talk about the siginificance of the situations we face as well as our counterparts in other parts (like down the street...)

we stood with our coffee and discussed providence's ex-mayor scandals to memphis' public transport/ class system. i have been waiting for this.

by sacrificing do we attain?

the laws of give and take seem to think so...

tonight we talked senators; equal rights...as well as the oblivians.

has anyone noticed the fact that the whole fucking country is on fire?

matt and i were discussing this after he pulled this image up on the internet.

let's turn our air conditioners on even higher. it's a catch 22. another one!
we seem to have those quite often.

i had a thought.
if everyone actually turned off the a/c units for a day
would the overall temperature of the country go down?
would that make a difference?
just one day.

just a thought.

thought process on the 2am bikeride home

being the best



as the evening progressed, the "identifying of the best" seemed to be the theme.
i started thinking about this and watched as we all (yes, including myself) strived to assert an alpha or dominant role in a relationship we were forming.

the definition of the best came to mind.
being the best.

what does this mean exactly.

there seems to be, to me, 2 ways that i can think of right now.


one: being the best at what you have already in your reaches.
being able to take what you have and do it the best that you can, therefore..."besting" yourself
at what is right in front of you needing nothing else.
being able to take what you have and do the most with it that you possibly can.
understanding that you don't know "everything" therefore letting the conversations be actual conversations instead of directorial monologues.

acknowledging the discourse and give and take that naturally occurs.
teach and learn at the same time.



two: being the "best".
at everything.
trying to be the top dog at whatever anyone else is doing.
knowing more than than the rest at the table.
not listening to what is being said because you are waiting to assert your knowledge, therefore not learning anything new.
or maybe just not accepting to learn anything new because then it proves that you didn't know something.
never besting yourself at what you are, just the material and physical aspects of what will get you further and "in".


so, here we are at the realization.
i do this too. not just pointing fingers.



is this good, bad, relevent, necessary, ridiculous...

does this make sense?




now i have said the word too much.


i don't know, just a thought.

nothing much from a nothing much day

my horoscope this morning said:

your questions surface for a reason.
ask away.
if you don't know how you'll possibly apply the answers you get,that's ok too.
your mind is a beautiful art piece - a perennial work in progress.

hmmm....

well, this was my today...
i'm going to go ride around and buy some beer and watch the sunset and realize that i am really here.

old times

i found these slides last night.

me and beka on the Memphis Queen in April of '86 on a trip down south to visit the family.

that was our house in minneapolis in Nov. 1985.

from cause to effect

this is my first drawing in providence.
i have been doing these drawings on vellum for awhile.
now that i had to downsize my materials (which is already frustrating when i go to use something and i realize it isn't there anymore), i am looking to use other things for "paper". i thought i packed my linseed oil, but no, so i had to go steal some of matt's olive oil to paint the page to make it more transluscent!
i am still using old images of my childhood along with my sister and brother.
i had started using old books and book paper in memphis, but i couldn't find anything that had the right storyline in the type.

so, i went to a yard sale on saturday morning and there was this book written in 1910 called Four Epochs Of Life, written by Dr. Elizabeth Hamilton-Muncie.
this book is amazing.
it touches on the idea that "a certain prudishness wrongly called modesty, has prevented the discussion of the problems of creation".
this is a book for married couples helping them deal with the decision for marriage, children, careers, etc.
it is very forward thinking for its day, but very dated.
what i like about this is that each page, taken out of context, can read to one's horror or delight depending on the text.
this page, for instance, talks about gender determination and the ideas of how to decide and deal with the unborn child's gender. it cites the chinese practices of drowning the female at birth.

i don't think it is finished, but at least it is something.

my response

providence

disclaimer: the old film in my camera was poorly developed and eaten slightly, but you get the idea, i think.

it seems that the street i found to live on is actually pretty amazing.
i live in a dollhouse in a street of dollhouses with castle the end of the block.
for real.

last night matt and i decided to ride downtown and maybe see a movie or something.
instead we found this great street party with an amazing marching band and another great band "lightning bolt". i haven't been to a show with that much energy in a long time. it was like memphis 10 years ago (even longer ago). amazing. outside, raining, loud crazy fast hardcore noise.

i met some great people and they all just happened to live on my block.
go figure.

i talked with my brother today for a while and i told him i realized that if i just let myself fall and go with where i land, i soon realize that i am actually flying.

toward the east

i was given a book before i left town by a dear friend and today was the first time i could sit and read it knowing that i could clear my mind and actually read it.

there were certain lines that stood out to me and resonated to be true to me and my adventures of late. i guess i wanted to share them because they were shared with me. i can say that my lesson over and over is that i should let the change happen and be a part of it instead of trying to keep the past going. it is gone and has always been gone. it's not a bad thing at all. just a thing.

in my beginning is my end. in succession
houses rise and fall, crumble, are extended,
are removed, destroyed, restored, or in their place
is an empty field, or a factory, or a by-pass.

old fire to ashes and ashes to earth
which is already flesh, fur and feces

houses live and die: there is a time for building

what was to be the value of the long looked forward to,
long hoped for calm, the autumnal serenity
and the wisdom of age? had they deceived us
or deceived themselves, the quiet-voiced elders,
bequeathing us merely a receipt for deceit?

the houses are all gone under the sea.

the dancers are all gone under the hill.

to arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
you must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
in order to arrive at what you do not know
you must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
in order to possess what you do not possess
you must go by the way of dispossession.
in order to arrive at what you are not
you must go through the way in which you are not.

...but perhaps neither gain nor loss.
for us, there is only the trying. the rest is not our business.

home is where one starts from. as we grow older
the world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
of dead and living. not the intense moment
isolated, with no before and after,

here and there does not matter
we must be still and still moving
into another intensity

through the dark cold and the empty isolation,

in my end is my beginning.


t.s.e.

i got my official orientation packet today.
school starts September 13.
so, i have a month and a half.

this is definitely going to be different.
i am going to have to find something to be my ritual for the day or i will go fucking crazy.
isn't that how it is? you wish you had time to yourself b/c there are all these things you want to do. then, you get the time and you don't know what to make of yourself.

i am not used to having the early part of the day to do whaever i feel like doing.
i thought about this today and decided that i am going to get myself going in the schedule and get up and ride and come back and work on some of the projects i have put aside.
i haven't had any of my stuff for 2 months since i put it in storage.

my music seems new and i have new perspective on some of the things i was working on.

so, here's to good times and making something of myself.

oz

isis on the dashboard of the moving van

i really thought she was going to hate me forever.
she was hissing at me.

first night on the town

we have had to unload the van every day from early morning until 10ish am.
then, we unload those boxes, break them down, clean up a little, remember that we should eat because that could be why we are feeling so weird.
then unload some more starting around 5pm until we fall over. go to sleep and do it again.

we finished tonight with the couch at 7. people kept walking by saying that we picked the worst week to move (the heat). we just kept saying that we're from god's country...i mean memphis.
showered and left the house on bikes to go to the Avon.

this is a one screen movie theater on Thayer St.
it has an old triangular marquee and it only shows independent films. they serve popcorn and only show at the usual 7 and 9pm shows. we rode over there (to the east side - we're on the west end) near Brown University. it took us 8 minutes on bikes from the front door to the street my school building is on. then we had to walk the bikes up the steep hill to the landing and then rode the rest of the way. i am proud to say i rode up the first stretch of the hill!!!!! matt's bike fell apart (slightly) on his way up and couldn't slip the chain into the gear to go up the hill. so we walked. i was fine with it.

we went in to the urban outfitters to say hi to katie, a girl that matt met through sue, while she was still working.
she met us after we saw A Scanner Darkly.
we walked to a bar close by b/c it was pouring down rain!!!!! cool thunderstorming rain!!!!!
aweful place. horrible music.
(which i am going to try to find one of the songs to send to candace)

hey this is a funny story.
this guy comes and sits down with us when matt goes to the bathroom. he asked if that seat was taken and i told him it would be when matt came back. he asks our names and when i tell him mine, he tells me i am lying to him! he said he had met girls before that gave him fake names.
i told him i could see why. so, when matt comes back he asks him what my name is and he confirms. so then he starts talking about tattoos. i told him he had already fucked up and called me a liar and it wasn't going anywhere. so he sat at the table and talked about south park and isaac hayes, mlk drive in memphis, elvis and three 6 mafia. geez. what a reputation. don't tell a stupid drunk frat boy that you are from memphis. i wasn't being very cordial at first, but he wouldn't leave. he liked matt's tattoos and me and katie just exchanged rolling eyes. she is nice and sweet. it was all in good fun and we said goodnight to his gang and left on our bikes.

at least it made for a good story.

mapquest said 3 miles from my apartment to school, but it took 8 minutes.

all in all, this was good times. good for stories. good town to ride bikes. lots of hills.
now it's 2am and i am still awake.
time to sleep and get up and do it again. right?
that is what we do.

my midnight ramblings...can't sleep...think too much

i tend to ramble at times and to the poor ear that has to hear it i do apologize.
this time it was matt on the drive up here.
i started in on the idea of evolving.

when others say the meaning of life or wonder why and look for reasons to be here, i wonder about the sense of evolution.
the only constant that we know to be true and definite is change, evolution. metamorphosis. mutations in DNA. hair and skin color redefining itself according to climate and environment.

we search for "another" and it could be that we "are".

so as we live, society teaches us to become a certain way in relationships. friend. lover. sister. coworker.
when these relationships start to "go wrong" by not being what they started out to be, we revert to clinging, punishing, jealousy, anger, and hurt. we try to make the other not do what they are doing that makes us feel "bad".
what if the thing we are suppose to do "here" is to evolve. change.
continue in an everchanging form.

we consider things to begin and end. what if it is not so and just more of a long line where different things happen in a random pattern. (oh but then we could get into randomness and patterns)
instead of losing and missing what was in a certain way, we find and accept in the new way it lives and become a part of that as well?

much easier said than done. of course.

but the case is, we fight this constant and wonder what is going on. we do not allow the natural flow to occur and therefore disrupt this simple (complex) state of living.
we cause our own dis-ease.
our inherited genes.
we pass our illnesses down to our offspring.

could it be that all we need to know is that everything changes. if we accept it when it comes and watch for the lesson and the direction, could we evolve and understand our involvement with this and know ourselves more?
would we actually see our direction?
would we then be able to direct our path knowingly?

but that would mean that we would have to communicate with ourselves and each other.
and we all know that is the hardest thing for us to do...even in this age of communication technology.

i thought i left the heat...

i woke up this morning with a panic feeling. it was true. i really did do this. fucking christ, man.
it's real. i left everything.
i do miss so much already, but i understand that this is where i am going now.
i do so wish that the people that said they would come visit really will come.

last night i sat on the kitchen floor and stared at the wall.
why did i leave the people that i care so much about? matt said not to worry, that there will be a depression. we will both feel it. it may last a long or short time, but we should feel it completely and then move on. being sad about leaving the people you love is natural because you love them. i just hope that i can do it and not drag anyone down with me. i do wish that some people would understand that this is very hard on me and i did not want to leave them.
i don't think anyone is ever completely ready to move away from their home. i tried so hard to see the ones i love and i felt so good that people wanted to be around me before i left.

my god, it is soooooooo hot here right now in the sun.
my apartment feels great though. probably 10 degrees cooler than outside. no A/C! thanks to the double hung windows we have an amazing second story breeze coming through. i stayed inside to clean all day instead of being out in the van. we are waiting till it gets darker to unload the rest.

we pulled in last night at 8pm. it took us about 24 hours total to get here. we stayed the night in virginia saturday. johhny smoothe loved the adventure. isis, on the other hand, was terrified riding on the dashboard, under the seat, in matt's lap.

we unloaded half the van, pulled the mattress upstairs and crashed in the living room. woke up this morning and walked to the market at the end of the block. got coffee, walked johnny to the other end of the block to the park and showed matt the Armory ( the big castle ). cleaned. moved. cleaned. moved. i took some slides of the apartment. when we get all the technical stuff set up, i can scan the photos.

i took my first dose of liquid iron this morning. i found out (b/c of all of the blood work i had to have done for school) that i have a seriously low amount of ferritin, a protein that enables the body to absorb the iron. my iron level is low, but ok. the problem is, it just sits there. nothing gets doen with it. so, i have to drink iron 3 times a day. i am supposed to eat with it, but i can't ingest caffeine, dairy, eggs, cereal, whole grains, calcium with it. so, i am soooo confused as to what i am to eat with this? a sprig of parlsey?
i got a tingle of energy, then nausea, then energy, then nausea. now i am ok and have to go take more. this is going to be very interesting. i have to mix it with apple juice and drink it with a straw. the intense dosage of the iron will make my teeth brown if i drink it normally. great!
so, i am going to do this now and get back to the getting of my life together...

getting my life together...

riding off into the sunrise

duality

in understanding the back and forthness of nature, i recognize that to have one thing happen, it's equal and opposite will most certainly happen as well.
i have a tendency to be the one that picks up the pieces, holds the hand, replants the fallen tree, moves the wreckage from the street, cleans the wounds, makes the appointments, lends the shoulder when no one else in the situation can possibly do it. this is so natural to me. i go into this mode where emotions are put aside and the work is taken care of. everyone is ok. everything is done.
then a few days, months, or even years later, i break. the flood of emotions felt by everyone else at the time of the event becomes real for me and i react accordingly. some would say this is a gift. others would say i am fucked.
it's all i know.
this is what i am doing right now. fly to providence. get the apartment. fly back. take care of the move. deal with the school. get my loan. sell my car. sign my lease. make sure matt is ok. make sure everyone else i know and care about is ok. i am excited. i cannot wait!
then my heart starts to hurt on tuesday. it starts hurting really bad. i start realizing that i am moving away from everything. i am moving away from myself. i may not see some people ever again.
i appreciate everything i have been given and have learned and what has been taken away as well.
with this sadness in leaving what and who i know, a calm is also present that allows me to continue this move without a breakdown...(this will come later i am sure). i feel this sadness to physically leave because i feel a love for what i am leaving. what a great thing!
i am not leaving anyone. i am going somewhere else.
my father likened me to an arrow leaving the bow. the arrow has been fashioned with care and precision, understanding the day will come when it will be gone. if the arrow is never used in fear of loss, what is the purpose of the dedication? the moment of the release from the bow allows the appreciation to grow in a second degree. now the arrow is making its way to its destination following the path laid out before it.
i am dead. i am alive.

reasons

i said some goodbyes this weekend. my grandmother cried. my grandfather seemed distant. my mother is being so supportive. i'm having a problem with dealing with some people though. there are a few (the ones that i care about the most) that are making this emotionally difficult for me. they are being so selfish and only thinking about how this is going to affect them. so, because they are going to miss me, they are going to be mean or flippant or distantly uncaring to show me that they don't care. or maybe they are trying to make me feel the way they feel since technically i am making them feel this way?
i have been pretty supportive of the many friends and lovers that have left me in the past years. but i do admit that there have been a few that i selfishly made it hard for them to leave because it was hard on me. the thing is, i see this now (and apologize) and i understand that it was hard on them in the first place because they were leaving everything they knew. the last thing they needed was to have a mopey passive agressive situation on their hands. they needed support and understanding.
i guess what i am saying is that i don't want to leave anyone. i have to go and do this thing for myself. i am not abandoning anyone. i am not running away. it is hard for me to say goodbye. the last thing i want is my last memories to be of bitter heart wrenching disagreements.
there is a way to leave physically without leaving emotionally. (i was saying just last night that with all this technology you would think that we would progress in our communicating with each other. but sadly it seems that we have an even harder time telling each other how we truly feel when we feel it. but we sure can text message it or myspace it or blog it. oh well. at least we are getting it out somehow, right?) i just don't know.

countdown

july 8 2006

when i turned 18 i was determined to move away from memphis. anywhere as fast as possible. i always let something or someone be the excuse to stay. 10 years later, i am finally doing it.